Over 95% of the queries I receive are horrendous. Sorry to be so blunt, but it’s true. Incessant rambling diatribes, incoherent story concepts, and pilfered plot lines pile into my inbox every hour of every day.

With poor grammar and lousy punctuation scattered all over the place, authors send me queries that would get a C from a seventh grade English teacher. Look, if you can’t write a 200 word email, you can’t write a novel.

Your query is an opportunity for you to show your stuff. Prove that you can write. It’s a sales pitch for your work and for you as an author. You must describe your manuscript and generate excitement in a few words. At the same time, you have to demonstrate your ability to follow the specific submission guidelines the agency or publisher provides on their web site. If you can’t follow simple instructions, we don’t want to work with you.

Some agents and publishers will ask to see the first 25 pages of your manuscript. Others will ask for the first three chapters and a synopsis. Give them what they want—to the letter. No variations. Do not deviate. This is a test that most people fail. For some wacky reason, authors will send the first fifteen chapters or the entire manuscript and ignore the synopsis. Wrong! I can’t understand how so many people can mess this up because we tell them what we require and they still blow it.

Take your time and write a succinct synopsis. It’s a summary of the entire manuscript. It should be double-spaced, in Times New Roman font, 12 point. And it should only be two pages long. No more. Yes, I’m serious. It should describe the plot and the main characters. Believe me, it’s harder to write the synopsis than it is to write the whole darn book. Try it. You’ll see.

As you write your query, there are a number of things you should avoid such as:

• Do not send out a generic email to a massive distribution list of agents or publishers. We can’t stand that. It’s not professional. Write a personalized email to the contact person listed for each respective agency or publisher. Don’t write, “Dear Agent,” “Dear Publisher,” “Dear Sir/Madam,” or the worst one of all, “To whom it may concern.” Address the contact person by name. And, for goodness sake, please use the correct spelling of his or her name. I can’t believe I had to say that, but someone called me, Adam Lea. How do you screw up Lee?

• Never call your work a best seller, must read, masterpiece, work of art, tour de force, magnum opus, the best thing since the Wonder Bra, or an instant classic. It makes you sound like a doofus. Publishers and agents do not want to deal with giant egos. One author told me his work was a “masterpeace.” I rest my case.

• Do not say, “I need your help! People around the world need this book.” Don’t beg. It’s not professional. You’re just embarrassing yourself. Act like an adult.

• Do not say, “I’m the next J. K. Rowling” or “I’m the next John Grisham.” No, you’re not.

• Do not say, “I have ideas for fourteen more books in my series.” If the sequels have not been written and edited, they’re irrelevant.

• Do not say, “My book is just like Twilight.” That’s not a good thing. We don’t want a knockoff of another book.

• Do not say, “This book will appeal to people from eight to eighty.” This statement screams, “Rookie!” There are no senior citizens reading Captain Underpants or Walter the Farting Dog. Get your target age group correct.

• Do not say, “I’m not a professional writer, but my book, Confessions of a Ukranian Polka Band, is better than anything that’s on the market.” This is wrong on so many levels. 

• Do not say, “In the fourth grade, I won Mrs. Dingleberry’s creative writing contest.” No one cares.

• Do not say, “I love to ski, garden, and walk along the beach at sunset.” Sorry, I’m not looking for a soul mate. But just out of curiosity, what do you look like and what are you wearing?

• Do not say, “Everyone will love my book.” No, they won’t.

• If your work is rejected by an agent or a publisher, move on to the next one on your list. Do not send a lengthy email explaining how the person misunderstood your work and why they have made a gigantic mistake. You will never change their mind.

• Do not expect an agent or publisher to critique your work. We don’t have time to scrutinize every manuscript in explicit detail. In addition, we don’t have any interest in arguing with authors about their manuscripts. When I began working as a Publishing Analyst, I would provide constructive criticism in my rejection responses to help new authors. The vile hatred that spewed back at me was shocking. Authors told me that I was a pompous ass, I didn’t know anything about writing, I was as stupid as a can of corn, and I should shove my opinion into a very uncomfortable place. Those were the nice ones. These days, when I reject a manuscript, I say, “The work does not fit into our publishing plans.” Nothing more.

• Do not expect an agent or publisher to respond to your query in a short amount of time. It takes weeks to wade through the deluge of queries we receive every week. Give us at least four to six weeks to respond.

• If an agency or publisher says, “Do not send attachments with your email query,” then don’t send any doggone attachments with your email query. Duh! Many attachments have computer viruses in them, which could infect our computer network. That’s why, if you send us an attachment, we will not open it. Period. If you are allowed to send sample chapters and a synopsis to an agent or publisher, just paste the text into the body of your email. Attachments = Immediate Rejection.  

• Do not be a jerk. One author sent me an email that said, “Read this.” That’s all. Of course, the wingnut included an attachment, which I did not open. My response to him was, “No.”

• Do not use computer shorthand like, “am submitting book. it iz called i’m not as think as u drunk I am. it iz 2 funy LOL =) hit me back l8r.” Write your email using formal English. Approach the query as if you are interviewing for a job. True dat. Peace out.

• Do not send an agent or publisher a link to a web site and say, “Please read the first three chapters on my web site.” Every author site I have gone to has been atrocious because I have been forced to click through all kinds of crap to find the writing sample. No more scavenger hunts for me. If you send me a link, you will be rejected.

• If you are in high school or middle school, don’t expect a publisher to accept your work. It’s great that you’re writing. Keep it up. But you have to understand that publishing is a business. You can’t promote your book when you’re in third period History class.

• If you live thousands of miles away from the United States, do not expect an American publisher to accept your work. You can’t promote your book in New York if you live in Istanbul. It’s almost impossible to pull off.

What should you say in a query letter? I would recommend something like this:

• Write a brief description of the work that serves as a hook. Make it exciting, creative, and less than twenty-five words. Also include the title, genre, and word count in this paragraph.

• For fiction works, describe the main characters and the plot. Explain the conflict and the resolution. For non-fiction works, describe your theme and content. The entire paragraph should be less than 150 words.

• Describe your experience as a writer. Why are you qualified to write this manuscript? If it’s your first attempt at writing, that’s fine. Be honest.   

• What makes you and your manuscript unique? Why would someone want to buy your book? Who will buy your book? How will you promote your work?

• Thank the person for their time and consideration of your work. Offer to send more content at their request.

• Include sample chapters and/or a synopsis if requested in the respective submission guidelines.

To see examples of good queries, go to the Writer’s Digest web site, http://www.writersdigest.com.

Please excuse me. I have to reject a man who said his manuscript is “The gratest book that you will ever red.”

Dear Jon Klaflavoriskykorsekov,

The work does not fit into our publishing plans.

Adam Lee

Publishing Analyst

Lasaria Creative Publishing